Not all Spring Break destinations are created equal. That said, there's no reason you can't enjoy a few videos even if you're headed home to Tulsa, Oklahoma in a few weeks.
Emma Tyler - Northwestern University
Part One: Hometown Hellstorm
1. First, I must address the most disturbing social issue that occurred during this week's event. The few seconds that made us all search for God while simultaneously questioning our sexuality. Yes, I'm talking about Juan Pablo's steamy exchange with the talking Yellow M&M. JP has more natural chemistry with an animated peanut candy than he has with any of the women still left on this sham of a season.
2. Next, in a somehow more horrifying turn of events, Juan wore multiple Livestrong bands to every single hometown date. If I see someone still wearing a Livestrong band, I swipe left on Tinder. I don't bring him home to enjoy a warm meal with my most loved and cherished family members. Just because he is foreign does not mean he is allowed to hold onto 2007 this hard.
3. Is it just me or is Andi's hair getting progressively more ombré as the season goes on? Or is it simply her highlight outgrowth since she's been locked up like a dangerous wolfman for 7 weeks? And since Crazy Eyes Clare is the only hairstylist left, no one was getting a root touch-up in Vietnam. Unless you want all your hair plucked out strand by strand, do not schedule an appointment with Tweezer- happy Clare. (Her eyebrows look like frowns- or very thin rainbows.) I think Assistant District Attorney Andi's hair color is simply a physical manifestation of the intelligence falling out of her head as she is forced to spend more time with Nikki.
4. On the subject of our favorite uncoordinated Southern Belle, The fact that Andi's dad is named "Hy" is pretty disturbing. I think the question on everyone's mind (besides "WTF is Andi still doing here? She is literally telling her hot sister that she thinks Juan might be trash AT THIS VERY MOMENT) was what is "Hy" short for? My hypothesis is that it is short for "Run and HYde Juan Pablo, because this guy is about five seconds away from shooting you in the kneecaps."
5. How dirty Clare's dog was. Talk about unsettling. I'm not even going to touch upon Clare's family, because that was no plot twist. I could tell by Clare's Smurfette voice that her entire family was going to be horrific. I'm just genuinely trusting the integrity of people who invite ABC into their Sacramento home and do not give their dog a bath first. The thing looked like it walked straight out of a Sarah McLaughlin commercial. Honestly, we should call Sarah and try to help this poor dog. I can tell you right now, the "arms of the angels" would be a nice vacation from sister Laura's sweaty death grip.
Part Two: Fantasy Suite Fiasco
5. Who is planning these dates? Why does Clare get to reenact a P. Diddy music video on a yacht while Andi is forced to play street soccer in a shanty town? Poor girl is flown to St. Lucia and all she gets is a "Seafood Fiesta". Can we just collectively as a society decide that the words "seafood" and "fiesta" should never be used in conjunction with one another?
4. Nikki's wardrobe has always been somewhat troubling. My concern was elevated when she showed up wearing fringe and bell bottoms to her St. Lucia one- on -one. I'm a practical gal who is all about recycling stellar outfits, but I draw the line at re-wearing your 2009 sorority crush party outfit five years later on national TV. But I'm actually not that surprised, we knew Nikki's judgement was always slightly out of whack. (ie. being in "love" with JP at the tender age of 26 ; her unfortunate side tattoo).
3. In possibly the most frustrating part of the event, the show's producers continue to film important dialogue while inside a tropical wind tunnel. In the grand tradition of "The Bachelor", the producers are too busy drinking Mai Tais and cliff jumping to worry about sound feedback. WHY ARE WE SCHEDULING DRAMA-FILLED PICNICS IN FRONT OF A NOISY WATER FALL? CAN WE NO LONGER AFFORD BOOM MICS, ABC?? I'm already struggling to put together Juan Pablo's broken English, can we not film dinner dates in the middle of St. Lucia's Cicada mating season?
2. Chris Harrison: THE RETURN. Chris Harrison has been phoning it in all season, and for good reason. Every time Juan Pablo opens his mouth, you can see the life leave Harrison's eyes. But in St. Lucia, Chris took a break from questioning what wrong choices he made in a past life to deserve this fate. C Hazy met up with JP to drop some knowledge on him. He finally informs Juan Pablo that he is not on this show to find a 26-year-old house sitter. Continually saying that he "feels good about the girls" and that "he likes their faces" is not working for this bored housewife American audience. We are expecting a proposal, and Chris is not having any of JP's Latin lover, Livestrong band routine. "Here in America, we fall in love on national TV in 8 weeks. IDK, if its the language barrier but you need to get with the regularly scheduled program hombre. " You tell him, C Hazy.
1. IN THE MOST SHOCKING EPISODE OF "THE BACHELOR" YET, Andi got the hell out of dodge. Sorry ABC, but even professional cartoon dinosaur Sean Lowe saw that one coming. The girl had a brain, and Juan Pablo has genuinely no idea what the word "default" means.
The truly shocking moment came when Juan tried to comfort Andi by physically plucking her eyebrow with his fingers. I have no words for this. It was honestly one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen. I support Andi in her escape from Juan Pablo's creepy Eyebrow Island. I hope he rubs Clare's little thin rainbow brows until they are both eaten by a shark and served at next week's "Seafood Fiesta".
Emma Tyler - Northwestern University
I will admit I am pretty late to the game. I am a fairly recent Uber convert, and shudder when I think about my life before. It is hard to even remember sometimes. Did I really have to walk everywhere? Or, God forbid, hail cab drivers without first knowing their customer satisfaction rating?! Life before 5-star drivers sending you text alerts seems like the Paleolithic era.
For those not yet enlightened, Uber is a start-up with its roots in San Francisco. The mobile app connects nearby drivers for hire with those needing to hitch a ride. With a tap of your touch screen, a driver is on his or way and you can track their progress on a map. Uber will even shoot you a text when your ride has arrived. Originally the service provided luxury cars, like black sedans and Cadillac Escalades. However, Uber has expanded to a wider range of cars with lower-priced UberX . These fast, low-priced rides are especially appealing to the stereotypically poor and lazy college crowd. Uber is your new best friend when there's that really awesome party downtown, and you're just slightly too cold and/or intoxicated to get there on your own. Before UberX launched, you would have to reach the "Complete Disregard for Personal Finances" stage of intoxication in order to hire a black car to drive you to a dive bar 15 minutes away. UberX hath brought the luxury of sheer laziness to the collegiate masses.
Not to mention Uber is also an experience, from directing drivers to nonexistent locales to asking them what to order on your pizza, Uber stories never cease to entertain. I downloaded the app only a few weeks ago, and I already have prime dinner party material.
In one of my first black car Ubers, the driver had magazines displayed in the back pockets of the front seats for bored riders to read en route. However, I began to look closer and became utterly confused. All the magazines were magazines about owning your own jet, or buying your own private jet. There was like 10+ private jet magazines in this Lincoln. When I asked the driver why he picked such a specific type of literature, he responded, "Because luxury." We did not speak for the rest of our long journey.
I had an even more memorable experience with my first UberX. I was returning home from a long night in downtown Chicago and began chatting with the driver about life as college student. He began talking to me about his 15-year-old daughter who he was worried about going too crazy because she and her girlfriends stole wine for their past sleepover. I calmed his fears saying she will turn out just fine, and its better she experiment now. He then moved on to the fact that his daughter was already on birth control because of health issues, and that scared him. I tried again, like the loyal Uber rider I am, to comfort him. Telling him I had a similar situation with my health, and turned out just fine. He then proceeded to ask what birth control I was on because he "knew a lot about gynecology." We proceeded to discuss the pros and cons of various tampon brands. He then asked if he should buy his daughter condoms and hide them around her room, like a creepy sex-ed Easter egg hunt. This deep and thought provoking conversation continued until I reached my location. I used Uber that night to find a ride, and I ended up finding a man in need of my feminine guidance.
Out of sheer curiosity, I began asking those around me about their strangest Uber experience. The results will shock, delight, and possibly disturb you. I give all those who volunteered their stories a 4.5-star rating.
What is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to you in an Uber?
" I took an Uber in Paris with one other girl. By the end of the ride, the girl I took it with was making out with the driver."
"Our UberX driver told us that he designed custom suits for 250 dollars. His name was Sunday. He kept going through his Facebook profile pictures showing us all the clothing he made."
" My driver and I went through the Pita Inn drive thru together."
"I fell asleep in an Uber in San Francisco. I woke up a full hour away from where I had asked to be taken."
"Leaving a party, I stole an Uber another girl had ordered. I hopped in the back and saw Target bags filled with chips and snacks. I assumed this was the world's greatest Uber and they were complimentary. I ripped open a bag of Cheetos and went to town. Turns out, they were the driver's personal groceries. I was promptly kicked out of the Escalade."
"The driver offered me a condom. True story."
" While in Paris, my driver yelled at me for filming him. I was filming him because he was trying to charge us 200% of our actual fare. "
"On my way to a bar with my friends, our UberX driver told us that he doesn't need the money he gets from driving. He just likes to sign up on 'big nights out' and hear stories from drunk passengers."
"On my way home from the airport my driver spent the entire time talking about UFOs. He kept asking me if I believed in them and taking his hands off the wheel to show me UFO 'evidence' on his phone."
"An Uber driver once willingly took us on an alcohol run in the midst of the ride. He let me mix drinks in the car as long as I promised his seats wouldn't smell like whiskey."
"My friend and I took an Uber from Chicago last weekend. The driver needed us to give him directions the whole time. He didn't know what Michigan Avenue and Lake Shore Drive were."
"I had an Uber pick me up and take me to the airport at like five in the morning. Due to horrible decision making, I had gone out drinking the night before my flight. It turns out I had actually had this same driver a few days ago. When I got in the car, he said 'You look very sick.' I assured him I was fine. He tried to drive me to the hospital instead of the airport."
Please feel free to leave your strangest Uber encounters in the comments below.
Emma Tyler - Northwestern University
Have you always dreamed of pranking first -years with Fred and George? Is your greatest wish to aggressively make- out with Dean Thomas in a booth at the Three Broomsticks? It turns out you don’t need to ride the Hogwarts Express and live in an absurdly dangerous castle to meet these infamous witches- and- wizards- in -training. As luck would have it, they can be conveniently located at your American university. You can find them drinking Firewhiskey out of red solo cups, or just being a general pain in your Muggle arse.
Lee Jordan – The most overzealous sports journalism major on campus. He thinks he’s going to be on ESPN, and you think you're going to unfollow him on Twitter if he says one more uninspired thing about the NCAA. You can find him awkwardly announcing the women’s field hockey game or broadcasting his own Fantasy Baseball -themed radio show that no one listens to.
Hermione Granger - You know when you have one of those bleak mornings? You’re hungover, your breath smells like bowling alley pizza, and the regrets of last night are still visible in your glassy eyes. But you roll out of bed and drag your disgusting self to discussion section, mainly because you could use the attendance points. Your try-too-hard T.A. will then start asking everyone about the readings- which you couldn’t even read if they were sitting in front of you because you have an old mascara clump lodged in your eye. But you know that girl who’s holding a Venti from Starbucks and an actual, leather-bound day planner? She’s in the corner of the room and she actually did all the reading, including the SUGGESTED ARTICLES. She then makes everyone else look like dimwitted trash. Yeah, that’s Hermione.
Colin Creevey- The kid that thinks he’s a professional photographer. He believes his filtered photo of a latte makes him an artist, and we should all be lining up to be featured in his magnificent “portraits”. He will have a website that is designed exclusively in black and white because he’s #modern. He will have like a million Instagram followers and a bunch of artsy Facebook photos albums where he forced his friends to model for him. These aforementioned friends will look visibly pained and will most likely be standing in a field of wheat.
Ron Weasley- You know the kid who literally never pays attention in class? He spends all lecture messaging his two lame friends about their totally unexciting weekend plans. He still wears whatever clothes his Mom buys for him, and never turns anything in on time because of some ridiculous excuse. You just know that because he’s too busy messaging his best friend about their upcoming Apples to Apples tournament, he has absolutely no idea what’s going on in this class. This class will also have a group project and there is a 100 percent chance you will get paired with his kid. He won’t respond to any of your desperate emails, and leave you to do all the work. Basically, this kid will abandon you in a magical tent in the middle of a Scottish forest. First, this kid sucks. Second, this kid is Ron Weasley.
Remus Lupin – The guy who changes. It’s basically a right of passage to date a guy like this during your formative college years. He’s older, intellectual, and facially symmetrical. But more importantly, he’s secretly a total nightmare. Maybe he turns into Scott Disick after 2 beers, or perhaps he starts punching walls every time he sees you speak to another male. . Let me save you some trouble, the good does not outweigh the bad. No matter how fantastic the facial hair, a terrifying wolf/human is not Facebook official material.
Draco Malfoy- The classic East Coast power tool. You can find him walking around reminding everyone how much better coffee/bars/sushi/dogs/pavement/oxygen is in Manhattan. His parents have friends in high places, and he has servants to do his laundry (RIP Dobby #neverforget). But who cares if he has two houses in the Hamptons? Or is a member of one of the last, elite Pureblood wizarding families? His meathead friends only use him for his money and connections, and his hair will turn white by the time he’s 16.
Albus Dumbledore- The Econ professor who doesn’t explain anything all semester, and then lets you fight for your life on the final exam. He just cryptically rambles on and makes you figure it all out yourself in the library at 1 a.m. He leaves you studying all the wrong things and chasing down all the wrong Death Eaters. Why didn't he tell you real GDP was going to be on this quiz? Why wasn’t he just like, “Hey if Snape murders me, no worries he’s still chill.”?!?!
Luna Lovegood- That alternative girl who is just way too “different” for us mainstream college underlings. She shops exclusively at thrift shops or makes her own clothes, because Urban Outfitters is for blood-sucking capitalists. You can’t go out to sushi with her, because you’ll end up hearing about the horrors of corporate fish farms for 40+ minutes. She pays homage to the 1990s ironically and cures headaches with herbal tea and power crystals. She makes it clear she only listens to bands you’ve never heard of, and reads literary magazines that you just wouldn’t “get”.
Lavender Brown – The sorority girl with 16 different monogrammed accessories and bows on everything she owns. She also probably has a bunch of profile pictures featuring her and her pastel-clad boyfriend- all of which will have Taylor Swift song lyrics as captions.