Emma Tyler - Northwestern University
Have you always dreamed of pranking first -years with Fred and George? Is your greatest wish to aggressively make- out with Dean Thomas in a booth at the Three Broomsticks? It turns out you don’t need to ride the Hogwarts Express and live in an absurdly dangerous castle to meet these infamous witches- and- wizards- in -training. As luck would have it, they can be conveniently located at your American university. You can find them drinking Firewhiskey out of red solo cups, or just being a general pain in your Muggle arse.
Lee Jordan – The most overzealous sports journalism major on campus. He thinks he’s going to be on ESPN, and you think you're going to unfollow him on Twitter if he says one more uninspired thing about the NCAA. You can find him awkwardly announcing the women’s field hockey game or broadcasting his own Fantasy Baseball -themed radio show that no one listens to.
Hermione Granger - You know when you have one of those bleak mornings? You’re hungover, your breath smells like bowling alley pizza, and the regrets of last night are still visible in your glassy eyes. But you roll out of bed and drag your disgusting self to discussion section, mainly because you could use the attendance points. Your try-too-hard T.A. will then start asking everyone about the readings- which you couldn’t even read if they were sitting in front of you because you have an old mascara clump lodged in your eye. But you know that girl who’s holding a Venti from Starbucks and an actual, leather-bound day planner? She’s in the corner of the room and she actually did all the reading, including the SUGGESTED ARTICLES. She then makes everyone else look like dimwitted trash. Yeah, that’s Hermione.
Colin Creevey- The kid that thinks he’s a professional photographer. He believes his filtered photo of a latte makes him an artist, and we should all be lining up to be featured in his magnificent “portraits”. He will have a website that is designed exclusively in black and white because he’s #modern. He will have like a million Instagram followers and a bunch of artsy Facebook photos albums where he forced his friends to model for him. These aforementioned friends will look visibly pained and will most likely be standing in a field of wheat.
Ron Weasley- You know the kid who literally never pays attention in class? He spends all lecture messaging his two lame friends about their totally unexciting weekend plans. He still wears whatever clothes his Mom buys for him, and never turns anything in on time because of some ridiculous excuse. You just know that because he’s too busy messaging his best friend about their upcoming Apples to Apples tournament, he has absolutely no idea what’s going on in this class. This class will also have a group project and there is a 100 percent chance you will get paired with his kid. He won’t respond to any of your desperate emails, and leave you to do all the work. Basically, this kid will abandon you in a magical tent in the middle of a Scottish forest. First, this kid sucks. Second, this kid is Ron Weasley.
Remus Lupin – The guy who changes. It’s basically a right of passage to date a guy like this during your formative college years. He’s older, intellectual, and facially symmetrical. But more importantly, he’s secretly a total nightmare. Maybe he turns into Scott Disick after 2 beers, or perhaps he starts punching walls every time he sees you speak to another male. . Let me save you some trouble, the good does not outweigh the bad. No matter how fantastic the facial hair, a terrifying wolf/human is not Facebook official material.
Draco Malfoy- The classic East Coast power tool. You can find him walking around reminding everyone how much better coffee/bars/sushi/dogs/pavement/oxygen is in Manhattan. His parents have friends in high places, and he has servants to do his laundry (RIP Dobby #neverforget). But who cares if he has two houses in the Hamptons? Or is a member of one of the last, elite Pureblood wizarding families? His meathead friends only use him for his money and connections, and his hair will turn white by the time he’s 16.
Albus Dumbledore- The Econ professor who doesn’t explain anything all semester, and then lets you fight for your life on the final exam. He just cryptically rambles on and makes you figure it all out yourself in the library at 1 a.m. He leaves you studying all the wrong things and chasing down all the wrong Death Eaters. Why didn't he tell you real GDP was going to be on this quiz? Why wasn’t he just like, “Hey if Snape murders me, no worries he’s still chill.”?!?!
Luna Lovegood- That alternative girl who is just way too “different” for us mainstream college underlings. She shops exclusively at thrift shops or makes her own clothes, because Urban Outfitters is for blood-sucking capitalists. You can’t go out to sushi with her, because you’ll end up hearing about the horrors of corporate fish farms for 40+ minutes. She pays homage to the 1990s ironically and cures headaches with herbal tea and power crystals. She makes it clear she only listens to bands you’ve never heard of, and reads literary magazines that you just wouldn’t “get”.
Lavender Brown – The sorority girl with 16 different monogrammed accessories and bows on everything she owns. She also probably has a bunch of profile pictures featuring her and her pastel-clad boyfriend- all of which will have Taylor Swift song lyrics as captions.